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Unexpected Reactions

Most of us are used to seeing the inverted triangle faces of "the grays," the chalky colored skinny bodies, the huge wrap around eyes on UFO programs and in pop culture. Itís gotten to be pretty boring really. Sometimes the alien faces are green or have a blue tinge; there might be some minor variation but we all know what it represents: "them." Aliens from space, abductors from inky realms that probe and examine us against our wills.

Watching a UFO show on television we know what to expect; the same old alien face thing. For the past 20 years or so, Iíve been looking at images of these aliens; Iím a little jaded by now. If watching a program on UFOs Iíll glance up briefly and then get back to my multitasking; important things like the crossword or -- and this probably explains a lot -- reading an article in UFO Magazine even while watching some old UFO documentary on the History Channel.

I donít believe Iíve been abducted. Or at least, I say that and believe I believe that on a conscious level. Two episodes of missing time and screen memories, one directly connected to UFOs that we know of, though I have no memory of seeing aliens and I donít think Iím an "abductee."

Three times now Iíve glanced up to see these almost boring images and, instead of taking it in casually, Iíve been very startled to find myself being -- startled. In fact, Iíve been very creeped out and unnerved.

The first time was several years ago. An image of the grays huddled around a table and looking down on their victim flashed on the screen. The perspective was from the unseen person lying down on the table. I almost screamed, I was so startled, and I couldnít look at the television. I felt incredibly stupid and silly for reacting in such a way, but at the same time, couldnít help myself; I actually put my hands up to my eyes, like a little kid. I felt so damn stupid for feeling this way; I tried to pretend to my husband I was just goofing around. I had a physical feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I couldnít look at the image and I just wanted this intense, highly uncomfortable feeling of anxiety to go away.

The second time was just about a month ago. I was watching the OZ Encounters: UFOs in Australia DVD and an illustration of glowing red - eyed grays (cool and interesting variation on the standard) running towards the viewer in a field completely -- and unexpectedly -- unnerved me. This one also made me feel extremely uncomfortable; I had to turn away. I again had the weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and, feeling both very ridiculous but also uncomfortable and anxious, I didnít look up until the picture was gone.

I saw the third picture that really startled me just about a week ago. Itís odd I canít remember where I saw it; I think it was on television but canít be sure. This one was of another field; three aliens in a pasture running full on towards the viewer. Unexpectedly, I had that feeling again; very creepy, very nervous, and I couldnít look. This last image has been haunting me, and last night I was thinking of the image while lying in bed and the images began to move, and a round silver UFO moved into the scene. I had the vivid impression that this was fast changing into some sort of memory or visualization journey that I didnít want to pursue. Thatís it, I said to myself. No more pondering such things as I lay alone in the dark; think about tomorrowís grocery list instead.

(Speaking of fields, I donít suppose itís any coincidence that the silver UFO we saw years ago -- the day we also experienced missing time and screen memories and another UFO -- was in a field much like the ones in the illustrations.)

Why do these random (seemingly) images abruptly jar me, even after all this time? After all, Iíve been studying UFOs for something like twenty-five years, and have seen so many images of the grays in various stagings itís gotten to be predictable. The alien faces alone donít seem to bother me; maybe itís because theyíre unattached to anything, itís just a face, reminiscent of some goofy 1960s TV sci-fi thing, a sort of disembodied, non-human Mr. Floating Triangle Head. But attached to bodies that are active ("examining" you as you lay helpless, or goddamn chasing you in a field) is disconcerting. Well, so is a floating head, but at least it canít do much harm.

And, as reluctant as I am to really go there for a variety of reasons, there is the possibility that these images mirror something Iíve actually seen, and something in my memory gets rudely nudged when I see them. I donít like going there, and have to admit -- again feeling downright ridiculous -- that even now, writing about this, has brought up all kinds of feelings of anxiety. I want to stop talking about this.

Last night, on a rerun of C2C (Art Bell interviewing Whitely Strieber on his experiences and his latest book, The Grays,) Streiber said those of us with experiences need to push as far as we can to remember. I agree, but itís for each one of us to decide how and when weíre going to do that. Someone very close to me doesnít want to go there at all -- it gets dicey pretty fast when we talk about it. I donít seem to want to go there either. Instead, I seem to be going around it: I talk to people about their UFO experiences, I interview people about their sightings, I rant against the CISCOPians and the Pelicanists, I pontificate on all kinds of UFO things in blogs and forums, Iím a MUFON member, I join local groups, I read all I can about UFOs, and thatís my way of dealing with this. For now, at least.

I donít know where this long journey will take me. I doubt Iíll find any answers. Even if, as I wrote here a few months ago, I were to go through hypnosis, Iím not so sure Iíd find "the truth." And yet I keep at it. As I wrote here for BOA awhile ago, Iíve been moving a bit more towards the conviction there is, indeed, ET about, and itís really that simple.

There are pretty much two reasons: one, these experiences really did happen; the cause may be alien, military, who knows. Or two, Iím crazy. I still refuse to think itís just me, and that Iím crazy. In some ways, itíd make it a lot easier to just go with that. Just take the red pill (or blue pill, can never remember) and be done with it. Or keep chipping away at the idea that there is an external force behind these encounters, hoping that some of it will be exposed.

So far, Iím going with the latter.

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