pix/twlogo2.jpg pix/ojlogo2.jpg

8.19.4

The Lighter Side of Joe Vee

I can only please one person at a time, and that person is Sauron.

----Joseph Vee

Folks, I, your hero, Joe Vee, have bone to pick with some of you. I've been getting a lot of calls, emails and even a fax here at the theology office requesting my time. I truly appreciate that so many of you demand or need that spot of sunlight in you life that I provide. Indeed, I've heard many-a-times that behind everyone of my smiles there's a rainbow. Be that as it may, after stumbling across Kate's request to play strip dodgeball at a nudist colony, on the same day John Shack requests my immediate presence for a round of strip flag football in the Boston public park no less, I'm forced to lay down the law!

Binnall wants a road trip to Nevada. Ryan wants to Panty Raid our old Biology prof's Apartment just for shits and giggles. Matt wants us to get some uniforms and do the Full Monty for some extra bucks for college. Meanwhile, several of my politically active friends want to get a boat and protest down in front of Don Rumsfield's concentration camp in bright, sunny Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. AAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEEE! I can't take it anymore! I don't have enough time in the day for all of this!

Dear friends, and you are all ever so dear to me, I am, and I know this is hard to believe when so many of you, like John Shack, loose your gaze in my handsome smile and sensuous body, I am but a mere man. I can only please one person at a time, and that person is the great Dark Lord, Sauron.

My friends, the final dark age is upon us, and time is ever so a-flying. We've got to have our priorities straight, and mine are quite simple and well organized: help the dark lord in his quest to find the ring he poured his very power into, the one ring to rule them all, and usher in the epoch of his total dominion of the kingdom's of men, elves, dwarves and hobbits. All men shall bow before the eternally watching red eye of Sauron and where the mark of the dark lord's black hand upon their breast.

Perhaps you've seen one of the three recent documentary films produced by the Friends of Sauron? Then you all must surely know how truly constrained my time is. John Shack, if strip flag football isn't going to lead me to full infusion with the Dark Power, then you're going to have to wait. And Kate, don't you even mention the strip dodgeball. Remember last time where you invited some guy named Strider you met on the way over? How could have been so foolish? A blindman with his ears cut off and his tongue ripped out could have told you it was Aragon, son of the King, coming to prevent the ring of power from being united with its dark master a mile away. And Binnall, if that road trip doesn't involve us hitching a ride on the backs of Black Riders you CAN COUNT ME OUT! I only have time for Sauron!

It's not that I don't appreciate all of you collective friendship. Verily I do. It's just that we all have individual commitments that must come before any fun and games. For some, it's commitment to family, others some church and community organization, and others some strange secret society plotting how to fix next November's election. For me, it's the warm lush soothing red eye of Sauron and dominating all that I survey in his fearsome name. I ask you, which would you rather have: to kneel before Sauron's black hand in the third dark age, or four more years of George W. Bush? Hmmmmm????

For me, the answer is simple. No man can stop the power of the dark lord Sauron. When Sauron needs a nearby village stormed and its inhabitants laid waste, I'll be there. When the dark power encounters futile resistance at Helms Deep, I'll be there. And when the Red Eye of Sauron needs some good lovin', oh, you can bet I'll be there too!

Imputent humans! There is no mountain or shadow that will hide you from the piercing gaze of Sauron's red eye!

Oh yes, Ryan Daley, about storming Dr. Klein's apartment for a collection of her underwear...Sauron says IT'S ON!!!!!!!


MORE WRATH OF JOE