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Here's to you, phlem coughers of America!


I've spent the last week with a beautiful viral infection of my ear that drained glorious globs of mucus down my throat. By and large, if you're wagering how I've spent my past week, right before finals no less, you could safely put your money on "coughing up viscious clumps of phlem from the back of his throat."

And there is nothing so glorious, so satisfying as spitting out a miserable little clump of phlem. Here, I am a man truly in his element. The patient inhale of breathe, the furious exhale, the tulmultuous ripple in my throat as my enemy comes unloosed from his foothold, the joyous rise of emotion as the invader soars to the tip of my tongue, the merciless discard on a nearby paper towel or the sink, and the glorious satisfaction of a victory well won as I stand over my foe's fallen green-yellow, jellatenous body.

Truly, this is what God created man for! The source and summit of our genesis. Never have I felt so truly embued with divine presence as I heed God's command to subdue the earth and have dominion over it. In an age of freak hurricanes, killer tornados and earthquakes, not to mention a coming global superstorm, I can take solace in that upper respitory infections shall be crushed at the foot of my heel. It is a sign of security and pride! Terrorists may strike our country any day, but fear not, they may take away our freedom, they may take away our land, but they will never stop us from coughing up our phlem!

Here's to you phlem coughers of these United States, our strength during these pecarious times, God bless you and every green little blob you've spat on the side of the ground when you thought no one was looking!

Next time, an ode to Noah's, the ark that sunk!